Stop that.

We have the kids back. We went out to dinner tonight. One crawled under the table. They slapped each other repeatedly. I wanted to note that they outdid themselves with the crayon to the head this time. Evidently the big straws in the kiddie cups are the perfect size to make a ninja blow gun for a crayon.

Thank God it was just a Banana

I had another, "What did I just step in moment?" the other day but it turned out okay. It was squishy. The room was dark. It was about the size of a small turd. It was soft more like a dog than a cat. I flipped the switch with not a small amount to trepidation. It was the top third of a banana. I didn't send it to a forensics lab but it appeared to my untrained eye to be at least twelve hours old. Some bruising had occured and parts were a bit dark. Probably discarded by one of the heathens who have never heard of a garbage can. I might have been upset about that. Some people would be. But not me. I was just glad it was a banana.

Thank God it was just a banana.

OH MY GOD!!! Two Days Alone (W/woman and baby)

OH MY GOD!!! Two days alone without the kids. No offense to the kids. The kids are great. We love them. But OH MY GOD!!! Two days alone without the kids. We have the baby but the baby is easy. His routine is similar to mine. Eat, Sleep, poop and play. Repeat if necessary. And since we breast feed I only have to worry about the other three. Plus I excel at play. And we have things to do so it's not like it's off time. But OH MY GOD!!! Two days alone without the kids. The ones who are between 4 and 9 and believe themselves to be cyborg ninja rangers whose job it is to murder each other.

We went to a restaurant. No one got under the table. I played with the baby half the night quietly singing the songs to him that the restaurants pre-programmed system played. It was mostly a whispered 80's night with a little Ga Ga thrown in. Miz Ginger had to feed him once. It may have startled the waiter when he first noticed. she was completely covered but we have a lot of baptists around here and they are easily startled. He dealt with it well. Dinner was great and no one threw a crayon at anyone else's head. Don't get me wrong. The kids are great. We love them. But OH MY GOD!!! Two days alone without the kids.....

What we have here is a failure to communicate

Evidently in Childonese the phrase, "Alright guy's go play quietly for a while, we're trying to get some work done in the office and the baby is sleeping." translates to, "Time for a Kazoo & Slide Whistle jam session.

Late night snack fail

I went to the kitchen to make a late night snack and realized this house is a lot like the matrix. THERE IS NO SPOON!!!

Adventures in Dungeons and Dragons with kids

So I play dungeons and dragons with the kids and they love it. They are a bit too young and I have streamlined the game to make it age appropriate. Drake is 4, Zoe is 7 and Gryphon is 9. They are all into fantasy and this makes them be creative and interactive instead of having their faces in video games 24/7. I have personally played for three quarters of my life. The other night I had a first.... and hopefully a last. I got mooned. I'm not talking about the periodic 1/4 crescent moon you might encounter when a chubby gamer drops his 4 sided die and dips down for it before you have a chance to completely avert your eyes. We're talking a full moon. I'm completely in character and describing the palace of a powerful Genie and speaking for him in a booming magical voice. I look up and Zoe is listening to me intently. Gryphon is listening to me intently. Behind them is a surreal pair of legs without a body like something out of a Dali painting. I have no idea what it is yet as my brain processes the information. It is Drake. He is turned around backwards and bent over so far you can't see his torso. His hands are gripping his cheeks. "Oh my God!! What the Hell!!!" my brain registers.... but it was too late... The brown eye of Mordor had fixed it's gaze upon me. The other kids turn to look. "Drake what the hell? What the hell are you doing? WHY!?!?!" Drake, "I don't know". Zoe laughs, Gryphon laughs, I can't help it. I don't want to encourage this sort of behavior... Drake laughs. Damn it, I laugh... "Well pull up your damn pants and don't do that EVER again."